 Asylum of Terror A York Entertainment (ha!) release Acting = Why Bother Sex = 1 (simulated poorly) Plot = I don't think so Here is a movie so painful, so awful, so wretched, that even Trauma won't release it. I'd compare it to some student flicks, but they usually have better production values. What makes this gallstone of a flick so ghastly is not plot (which is "wafer thin"), nor the abysmal acting (hell, if they can't act in Star Wars, why should any one else worry about it?), nor the cheesy special effects (Herschel Gordon Lewis did it better 30 years ago). No, what makes this movie so bad you want to destroy both your VCR and the store where you rented it is: The Audio Track! I know for an absolute fact that $3.95 microphones at Radio Shack pick up dialogue better than the Cans-N-String system that must have been used when making this movie. Not that I think that understanding what the hell the people are saying would have helped any. But there might at least have been some levity to lighten things up. As it is, I was able to understand only about 10% of everything people said, and all of that was inane. The story, such as it is deals with a prison that has been converted to a commercial Haunted House. (I kid you not). We get to meet a motley crew of people that visit it, and are killed in (supposedly) original and clever ways by someone who I think was supposed to have been locked up there. Unfortunately, all that was discussed in the 90% of the movie where the audio track was so muddy it makes the Mississippi seem clear. About the only really good thing in this movie (and only the most depraved would think this good) is that one of the obnoxious kids (you knew there had to be a couple, right?) gets killed pretty unceremoniously. (Just like he deserves). Unfortunately, his brother survives. Well, ya can't have everything. So, if your local video store has rented absolutely every single other movie out and you are a certifiable masochist, rent Asylum of Terror. Or save some money and just bang on your thumb with a hammer. About the author: ken.schaefer@cwix.com has been watching bad movies since before the Navy forced him to spend 3 months on a submarine with only Terms of Endearment to watch. You may read another review, submit your own, or return home. |
