 “Beloved” is to film what disco is to music: unnecessarily bad and tacky. The movie tells the story of Oprah Winfrey, a former slave dealing with the consequences of the South’s “Peculiar Institution”. Winfrey has an interesting family situation – she lives with her two daughters, one of which is dead, and a randy guy named “Paul D.” (Danny Glover). The story deals mostly with Oprah figuring out that this half-wit undead daughter of hers is a devil-spawn. I’ll tell you something – if you see a child covered with ladybugs on your front lawn and she sounds like Stephen Hawking when she speaks, she’s evil! Instead of realizing that something is unusual about the girl, Oprah decides to urinate. Granted, the movie is too long, but that doesn’t mean the characters on screen have to take potty breaks. After urinating (and NOT in a petite fashion, mind you), Oprah takes the girl into her home to nurse her back to health. Eventually the child gets well and wackiness ensues when she drags Oprah into a shame spiral and almost ruins the entire family! Fun! The situation is only resolved when the local Christian Spinster’s League (CSL – Knitting a Better Tomorrow) arrives and banishes the she-demon by singing religious tunes. As this is accomplished, the devil gal stands on the front porch howling, all nekkid and pregnant. It should be noted that this could have been a good scene, given the nudity, but it is ruined by the fact that the child (“Beloved” of the film’s title, by the way) looks like a cross between Lisa Bonet and Martha Raye. Scary stuff. This movie could have been much better by casting someone like Jennifer Tilly in the role considering that, other than the ending “Good smashes Evil” scene, the movie really sucked. The only thing worth watching was Danny Glover’s depiction of the 1870s Austin Powers character. Over the course of the movie, Paul D. manages to shag Oprah more times than Clinton has known Hilary in the biblical sense over their entire marriage. Every scene that Oprah and Paul share is a sexual opportunity: bathing scene? Yup. Family bonding scene? Oh yeah. Recollection of a horribly traumatic sexual trauma? Without a doubt! Paul D. even gets seduced by the succubus monster Beloved! By the end of the movie, you’re hoping that the main plot will just be jettisoned in favor of something more interesting like “Paul D. falls in love with a local psychologist who tries to kill Oprah with a garden weasel”. About the author: Charlie Oliver enjoys Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. He is not into yoga and he has half a brain. You may read another review, submit your own, or return home. |
