 It's not terribly controversial to say that men do not understand women. As much as we'd like to, well, women are just weird. They like to talk about feelings, they want attention, and they really hate public belching. They tell you they want complete honesty at all times, and then they ask you if the pants they're wearing make them look fat. I was honest to a woman once. The scar will never fully heal. So how can we understand women? They don't tell us; they enjoy torturing us with their complicated splendor. Where is the codex of femininity? The search is over, my friends. Bear witness to "Sorority House Massacre 2." This is the primer for all those who wish to understand what goes in to being a woman. Just as National Geographic specials help us understand the behavioral patterns of animals, just as WCW wrestling helps us understand ourselves as men, so does this cinematic triumph capture all that is WOMAN. The resplendence of the Earth Goddess is displayed in all its ostentatious glory. This is it! This is the Holy Grail! This is the key men have searched for since the beginning of time! After viewing this film, I felt it was my duty, nay, my DIVINE MISSION, to relate to all the ignorant males out there just what woman is all about. Here, in print for the first time, are the lessons every truly sensitive male should learn: 1. Girls like to get drunk and dance around naked. Why? Dude, it doesn't matter! They're naked! 2. Girls like to take showers together and whack each other on the butt with their towels. This is a ritual not unlike the male habit of bumping chests. It's their way of saying, "Hello, good to see you. I, too, am nude and enjoy being exploited by sleazy low-budget horror movie directors." 3. When a woman hears a spooky noise, she likes to take her pants off so she can investigate in her underwear. She does this specifically so that anyone who happens to have a video camera can follow her closely and examine her wedgie. 4. Women, when confronted by psychotic axe murderers from hell, always react the same way: they run to the corner of the room, sit down, and scream until they are killed. 5. Finally, women, due to their maternal nature, refuse to take advantage of any opportunity they have to dispatch psycho axe murderers from hell. Guns are thrown away, knives are dropped, and large lead pipes are passed over in favor of rule #4. So there you have it. These, of course, are only a few of the most important things "Sorority House Massacre 2" has to teach us. To list them all would fill hundreds of pages. Luckily, this flick compresses everything into an easy-to-digest 93 minutes. That's a lot easier than reading, plus everybody's naked. To bad they're all ugly and made of plastic. About the author: "Suffer not the foolishness of others. Rather, indulge thyself in thine own foolery." You may read another review, submit your own, or return home. |
