One Million Years, B.C. Alan and Rob A caveman must avoid giant pterodactyls, tarantulas, iguanas, turtles, tyrannosaurs, triceratops, ape-men, other cavemen, volcanoes, water, beard trimming, vocal communication, species advancement, and general hygiene practices while trying to bag Raquel No If cave life was like this, we want to go back! This er, epic, revolves around the protagonist Tumak, who, banished from his native (and dark haired) home, finds a bedazzling group of blond haired women (along with their men) and somehow manages to screw things up and get banished again, but at least he gets to keep Raquel Welch (Loana). After a number of bizarre adventures, they return to and defeat his old tribe in a glorious victory, except for the fact that a volcano blows up and there ends up not being much point to the whole cave man war thing. Just like in real life. The lack of dialogue is sort of a problem point -- it’s not exactly profound, and sometimes makes the movie drag interminably. This movie is chock full of half-nude (although extremely well shaved) Neanderthal women, and if you're a big fan of Ray Harryhausen effects (or think they look really, really crappy), we think you're going to like this film. Lots of spear hand-changing; the incredibly menacing giant (and slow) turtle; a no-holds barred cat-fight scene (Rrrroww!); technology revealed -- Loana shows the dark haired women how to bathe; cavalcade of giant animals; filmed on the Planet of the Apes beach.