Mazes and Monsters   |
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| Tom Hanks gets a little too into a game not-too-unlike Dungeons and Dragons |
| No |
| There are few greater thrills than watching a really famous person suck hard. I’m not talking about Pamela Lee here, I’m talking about Tom Hanks, star of such hits as Forrest Gump, Dragnet, and Joe Versus the Volcano. Now, like many of you, I’m sure, I was a big fan of Busom Buddies. This is possibly because of a freak childhood accident in which I was rendered both deaf and mute and lost the ability to discern crap from anything else. This also explains my near-encyclopedic knowledge of Perfect Strangers and Too Close for Comfort episodes (Oh, that Monroe just killed me!). Yes, I was a sick little boy, but I got better (I just have to keep telling myself that). Anyway, the point here is that to this day I can’t look at Tom without thinking of him as Buffy, or is that Hildegard? I can’t remember. It’s not important now. What is important is that I believe deep down inside, we want to make fun of Tom Hanks. Sure, the public may love his rise to a "serious actor", but within each of us is an almost irresistable urge to knock him off his high space-lovin’ horse and make him remember he was almost naked in Splash and stole a part of each of our souls by making The Man With One Red Shoe. This is without even mentioning what we as a nation went through with Sleepless in Seattle. What I’m saying here is that this movie, Mazes and Monsters, wait, I’m sorry that’s Rona Jaffe’s Mazes and Monsters, is your chance to knock a chip of his ego. I ask you, America (and any other country listening out there, Hello Finland!) to watch this really crappy made for TV movie. If any of you take comfort every time you see Tom and Rita Wilson on Access Hollywood because you remember him as that kung-fu expert in that very special episode of Happy Days, then it is your civic duty to watch him blow hard in Mazes and Monsters. It’s not so much the incredibly lame dialogue, acting, and production values, it’s just all of it together that makes for deep hurting action. See Tom and friends play thier game in a really lame cave dressed as reject Rennaissance Festival rat catchers. See Tom go crazy. See Tom wander New York like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters and make Being There references. This is a really, really bad movie that just begs you to get together with your friends and stick it to Tom. Do it for the fact that sometimes people must be reminded where they come from. Or just do it because I’ve seen Bachelor Party too many times on Comedy Central and it’s beginning to make me want to apply for a job at the Post Office, if you know what I mean. I don’t care. Just watch it so you too can witness the film that stole 90 minutes of my life that I’ll never see again. I’m a petty man, a petty, petty man. Oh, and although I mentioned the film is about a D & D kind of game, I doubt that I’ve fully explained how lame and painful anyone who doesn’t own a Magic: The Gathering deck will find the scenes. Luckily, they’re good for a laugh, so join me as I raise a leather mug and say a cheery "Huzzah!" to this movie. May it blow the evil dragon Hanks and his fiery cheeseball of doom down a notch or two. Verily. |
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