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Ah, mail! The only bit of reward that a crappy web site can ever expect to garner from its tireless efforts (unless you really want a crappy custom website mousepad with our logo on it -- in which case I can sell you one real cheap if you don't mind a dark spot where my hand once rested). Yes, Rob and I read all the mail that comes in to our beloved site, and no, we don't write back. But not because we don't love to get the mail, only because we're lazy bastards. And besides, what do you say to a guy named Dyslexic DJ? So keep on sending it in, because we're lonely, lonely men. In the mean time, entertain yourself with some select phrases our bad movie brothers and sisters have sent in with our very own comments specially stripped of most (well, a little) sarcasm, because we can't afford to offend our fan base.       The Fan Mail "OK. I had to write. This is the best movie review site yet! One thing I have to know... are you guys graduate students with too much time on your hands? " -- Karen R. This is obvious, right? Except we're only undergrads which gives us double the amount of time to waste.    "I thank you guys for having the guts and sheer will to watch these horrible films and then to write up such great reviews!" -- Christoper W. Guts, nothing. Rob keeps a steady supply of Immodium AD on hand. Milky. Me, I prefer Pepto Bismol. Mmmm, pink.    "I love your site. You make me smile at work." -- Jesse A. Let me say, this is really sweet. Frankly, I don't care whether this Jesse is a guy or a girl, I still want them to be my girlfriend.    "Your bad review site is awesome! I hope you keep adding entries!" -- Dave G. Thanks. (Why must it always be witty?)    "Had a lot of fun making the Javascript popcorn dude do semaphore. Want the T-shirt." -- Shaken Angel So do we -- where can we get one? How much? Are they cool? Will my friends make fun of me?    "So that's it and thanks for making me feel like a human being again ...... finally we are not alone ..." -- Sebastien H. Oh-oh. This feels like we're responsible for having done something. We, the Takarmura corporation and it's subsidiary End of Monkey Internationale absolve ourselves of all responsibility for being useless and for making this guy human again      The Closest-to Hate-Mail We've-Gotten Fan Mail "I just want to say, half the movies you reviewed as 'BAD' are actually pretty good. 'They Live' was a pretty fun movie. As were 'Tron' 'Strange Brew' 'Fright Night'...you know, these movies don't even BELONG on a bad movie sight, even if you didn't totally trash the film" -- Dyslexic DJ Just because they're enjoyable (good) doesn't mean they aren't bad movies. That's what the rankings are for. And come on, Tron sucked hard.    "What is your deal? How can you NOT include "the Sword and the Sorcerer" on your movie reviews? I mean, come on!" -- Tina K. Oh, the Hostility! Simple answer is, we don't want to. Accurate answer is, we've never seen it. Besides, what's your deal?    "I was wondering about the name of an old black and white western. It had no human actors. It had monkeys with voices dubbed in... What is the name of it and is it on video. When will it be on tv again." -- Ryan C. Ok, so it's not hate mail, but it sure is weird. When will it be on t.v. again? You tell us -- I've got a videotape of Naked Souls on standby and ready to be taped over.        The Not-Really Fan-Mail Fan Mail "I hate to say it, but Summer School rocks, in a no-brainer of a film kind of way." -- Meghan C. Rob agrees. Alan recommends John Cusack movies as superior high school movies.    "My brother draged the entire family to see this movie [Howard the Duck]... My fathers thought was..."I could have had heartburn for a week on what I just spent at the movies...." -- Lisa D. It took us a while to figure this axiom out. We're still not sure if we're right.    "I too am a movie connouersiur(whatever), and have seen countless movies good, and bad. Noting this, I dare you to go to your local video store and rent a little gem called "I'm Bout' It"." -- Evlondo C. Dare noted. Please understand that our wasted time is in big demand and must be thinly spread over a number of worthless activities, but if we ever see this movie we will return to you a dreaded double dare of, perhaps, the entire Dolemite saga.    "In your review of "Moonwalker," you call Michael Jackson the "The former Mr. Priscilla Presley" -- he's the former Mr. Lisa Maria Presley." -- Jacob S. Okay -- this is absolutely true and we thank you for pointing this out, but we remain baffled as to why you ever bothered. Thanks again!    "Guess what? The Micheal Crawford in Condorman is the SAME guy as the Phantom of the Opera. Haven't you ever seen pictures of him without makeup on?" -- Kate No, wouldn't his face be all deformed and gross? I'm glad he's hidden underground.    "Thanks for having such a wicked sense of humor..but please make more fun of Shannon Tweed. She deserves it." -- Lull We grant her a reprieve for her excellent work in Cannibal Women and her guest appearance on a Married With Children from about 4 years ago. As long as she doesn't make another sex therapist movie.    "In your review of "Meridian :Kiss of the Beast" you make mention of Hilary Mason's "assets". Unfortunately the actress playing Sherilyn Fenn's friend is Charlie Spradling, not Hilary Mason. Just thought you'd like to know that." -- Mike Luckily my illusions have not been shattered, since she looks the same no matter what her name is.  Anybody that's ever seen her will definitely want to check out the Where in the World is Charlie Spradling page.    "I M DEMANDING THAT GALYON BE SEEN AND NOTICE BY THIS GROUP IT TOPS ALL BAD MOVIES!!!!!!!!" -- CoRrUpT It will be "seen and notice", oh CoRrUpT Master. By the way, will you return that "1d12" die you borrowed from me? Our AD&D game is really suffering.        Why don't you send us some mail yourself?