|
Movie
Reviews
Bad Thoughts
Great
Debate
Bad
Movie Events
Our
Mail Bag
The
Lifestyle
One-shot
Specials
Archive
Message Board
The
B-Movie Quiz
User
Reviews
Voting Booth
What's
Happenin'?
Our Mission
Ratings/Glossary
Resources
Links
|
|
The Most Infrequently Asked Questions about Oh, the Humanity!
| Q. I read the Ratings section and I still don't get
how it works. |
| A. Neither do we. We generally come
up with our own ratings independently, confer together,
debate, wrestle, punch, blast each other with Ballzookas,
vow eternal vengeance and then use a random number generator
to determine our answer. That way we get to disagree
with our own reviews. |
| Q. Why don't you guys give the plots of the movies?
Are you too dumb to remember them? |
| A. No. It's just that... ummm, oh
yeah, we don't care. These movies only have about three
basic plots: Person or people need to kill something
or someone to save something else, person or people
need to save something else in order to kill someone
or something, or the movie just wants to show a lot
of breasts. That's pretty much it. If you really need
a plot, check the web or one of the few video or movie
guides, but trust us, most of the time you don't want
to know anyway, it's just too painful. Oh, and you smell. |
| Q. I've seen a lot of really bad movies on Mystery
Science Theater 3000. Why don't you guys review any
episodes? |
| A. As much as we like MST3K (as
it's known by us in the biz) we felt that we should
do the movies on our own in all their horrible glory,
without the help of that show. Is it harder? Sure. Is
it better? Yes, because this way we don't get distracted
by that show and can concentrate on the pure crap of
the movies. When we do movies that have also been on
MST3K, we have seen them separate from it, usually on
video or TV. Thank you for your support. |
| Q. When you guys have both seen a movie, who actually
writes the review? Do you watch the movies together
or apart? If apart, do you talk about it? |
| A. Every review says who has written
it. When one of our names is by itself, it means that
only that person has seen enough of that movie to review
it. When both our names are there, it means we have
seen it either together (such as the Avenging Disco
Godfather) or separately (such as The Black Hole).
Whichever name is first belongs to the person who actually
sat down and wrote the review. The other person usually
reads over it, berates the other for their penmanship,
and add anything he sees fit. Then we all go out and
get ice cream. |
| Q. Uh, there's no review for The Black Hole. |
| A. Maybe you just haven't looked
hard enough :) Hint hint! (it's a secret) |
| Q. No, I looked. It's not there. You sure you
didn't forget to put it up? |
| A. Well, okay, we forgot.
We've had a lot on our minds lately... like, will human
civilization crumble under the weight of free thinking
anarchists ... would be rather be "sword and shield"
gladiators or "trident and net" gladiators... and will
Xander and Willow ever get together on Buffy the
Vampire Slayer? So you see we live very complicated
lives. |
| Q. What's up with that "Naked Girl Dancing During
the Credits" category? I mean, that's just plain weird. |
| A. Alan has watched an amazing number
of bad (and good) sex movies in his lifetime (he has
Cinemax). After a while, the sheer number of movies
that open with a naked girl dancing while the credits
are on started to affect his mind. Yes, it's a weirdly
over-complicated category, that's the point -- it's
the most telling feature that can be contained in the
opening 2 minutes. |
| Q. So how come you only do movies? Don't you watch
bad television too? |
A. All the time! We're glad you
asked. Unfortunately, not having time to review all
the hours of crap we've ingested, we present the The
Top Five Worst T.V. Shows We've Ever Seen In No Particular
Order (or at least the ones we remember):
|
Rob
|
Alan
|
- Small Wonder
- Manimal
- Little House on the Prarie
- The Charmings
- Out of this World
|
- Out of the Blue
- Space Precinct
- The Watcher
- Land of the Lost (the 1990's version)
- Fifteen
|
|
| Q. Are those real pictures of you by your email addresses? |
| A. Yes. Rob's caffeine bloated body
must continually dance the Electric Boogaloo while Alan's
butter-soaked innards jauntily bop to the sound of "Doing
the Butt". |
| Q. So, just how many movies with titles starting with
the word "Bikini" has Alan seen? |
| A. Well, that's certainly a peculiar
question. While the actual number may never be known
because they blend together so easily, Alan has committed
hours of tireless research to explore the very question
you just asked. His final weighed statistics, based
mainly on searching the Internet Movie Database for
the word 'bikini' and then counting on his fingers,
places the exact number, as of 06/28/34 at 6. Percentage
seen versus total number of movies beginning with the
word "Bikini" : 40%. Yep. |
| Q. How could you pan Petticoat Planet when
it's my favorite film? |
| A. First of all, you're probably
using Petticoat Planet as an example, not as
a your actual favorite film. Now let's assume, hypothetically,
that I don't care. Now, go with that. Seriously though,
who the hell are we? Why do you care about our opinions?
Make your own page for Petticoat Planet and list
it at more search engines than we are. Please! We'd
think it was pretty neat. Again, Petticoat Planet
is just an example. |
| Q. Okay, but that thing where you can pick the result
of the counter and one of the options is "times we've
done your mom". I find that offensive. |
| A. We do too. |
| Q. Then how come it's on your site? |
| A. Your mom asked for free advertising. |
| Q. Those last two questions and answers make no sense
to me. |
| A. Well, that part of our site isn't
on the index page any more. So sue us. (Please don't
sue us). Anyway, we left in the questions because we
like yo momma jokes. And we're lazy. But not so lazy
we didn't bother to put in a explanatory note. Just
the right amount of laziness, see? |
| Q. Oh, so you think you're real smart-asses aren't
you? |
| A. No diggity. |
| Q. How come you two use so many parentheses? It bugs
me. |
| A. Really, it bugs you? Sorry, man. |
| Q. Yeah, but you didn't answer my question. |
| A. What are you, some kind of anti-parenthesarian?
It's a perfectly correct grammatical structure. |
| Q. You guys are pretty mean to people just asking
questions. You sound like jerks to me. |
| A. I see. We prefer to think of
ourselves as "smarmy". We do, however, have many smarmy
opinions about current sci-fi authors. Here's our list
of Top 10 Sci-Fi Authors Who Are Jerks Yet Other
People Think Are Geniuses, coming soon to an editorial
on Sci-Fi Buzz :
Harlan Ellison
That is all.
|
| Q. Well, that's just rude. |
| A. Yeah, we guess, it's just that
watching so many crappy movies makes us lash out at
the ones we love. Thank you, Harlan, for the laughter,
for the love, for the boys. For the Boys, starring
Bette Midler and James Caan, coming to a theatre near
you. |
| Q. Okay, nevermind. Why does it say 'end of monkey'
at the end of the site? |
|
END OF MONKEY
|
|
|
