Godzilla vs Megalon, Gamera, Terror of Mechagodzilla, old Gigantor cartoons, etc

You are eight. You are Japanese. You have an irritating voice. You are given the choice between the care and love of a giant Japanese monster or total obediance from a humungous robot. Which would you choose?

In the deep and honorable traditions of the Japanese nation, there is perhaps none so wonderful as the bond between little boys and giant creatures, whether natural or artifical. Time and time again, Japanese movies such as Godzilla vs. Megalon and Gamera have shown us that there is no better place for the horrifying powers of these beasts to rest than in the capable hands of spunky children.

But the question remains -- given that you are a small Japanese boy in short pants, which would be cooler to control: a gigantic monster like Gamera, or an immense mechanized robot such as Jet Jaguar?

On to the debate!

Alan:

Unfortunately, I think the answer to this question is fairly obvious, hardly worthy of an entire debate. It is conclusive fact that robots are WAY cool (reference: February 1982 OMNI magazine, from the article entitled "Robots are WAY Cool") and they attract more Japanese people than Ranma falling in cold water. All you have to do is look at the recent rash of cybernetic puppies, kittens and raccoon sales to realize that little Japanese kids love robots.

Think about it. Monsters are just too limited. Let's take Gamera, right? Gamera is -- drum roll please -- a giant turtle. He can do everything that a -- drum roll please -- regular turtle can do. Watch as Gamera struggles on his back! See as he chews and gradually swallows his food! Okay, so Gamera does have some cute gymnastic abilities, but come on! And what about taking care of him? "Gee Mom, can Akane and I go watch the Happy Fun Show Spectacular now?" "Sorry son, you promised Gamera you would scrub the lichen off his shell!"

On the other hand, a giant robot is a rainy-day pal who can perform trillions of fun activities per CPU cycle with no maintenance required. Just take a look at his fabulous features:

• plays your favorite J-Pop Minidisc louder than atomic bomb test
  
• brings you a can of your favorite soda from internally refrigerated supply of 3 million six packs
  
• sensitive satellite ears pick up thousands of tv stations, including the nudie channel (and his fantastic brain de-scrambles it!)
  
• sidewinder missiles shoot from his fingers to achieve air superiority over rival schools
  
• automatically calculates worth of Pokemon cards and advises on trades ("Trading for Jigglypuff is illogical... illogical!")
  
• play game of ring toss on his giant head
  
• all titanium shell is virtually indestructible, ensuring enjoyment of your robot friend for years

And forget those tedious chores! Think about it -- your math homework done as fast as his OCR eyes can scan it in; he can mow the lawn in seconds with abilities nearly 80% better than current robot lawn mowers; and he can turn out fuel efficient automobiles in a quarter of the time of the equivalent American giant robot.

No, the choice is elementary. Monsters may be okay for your average Joe, but there's no way a little Japanese boy is picking one over a wicked cool robot. In conclusion, I cite Asimov's little known "Fourth Law of Robotics" which, simply stated, says "Robots are cooler than monsters, period."

Rob:

Alan, once again you've stunned me with your cold-bloodedness. What does every red-blooded boy of any country truly want? Big toys?

Well, okay, you've got me there, but what do they really want? Think about it, you're a young Japanese boy. You've got everything you could ever want already, video game systems, motorized dogs, ramen noodles, tiny, tiny, tiny little shorts. What's missing from this picture?

A friend.

Now I don't expect you to understand with your cold, black, robot-loving heart, but what a young boy needs is a pal. Someone to go explore the local construction areas with. Someone to reassure him when little Suzie Dinkens Yashimata stands him up at his Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. Even someone to, yes, watch scrambled porn with.

And if that friend is a giant, flying turtle, then so be it.

After all, Gamera is the "Friend To All Children". He's the giant green pal who's never too busy to hang with his buds. And he doesn't just play, he rocks out! You want to play hide and seek? Head on over to a giant, extinct volcano and play for hours in its rocky crevice. Want to go on a trip and see exotic lands? Jump on his back and he'll fly (just like Superman!) anywhere in the world. Why, you and your giant monster buddy could be laughing it up in exotic locales like Maui, Tahiti, or Evanston, Illinois right now! Want to destroy major metropolitan areas and then get some ice cream? Then watch as your new pal levels Lima, Peru and then head on over to Vermont for a quick stop at the Ben & Jerry's factory (it's a well known fact that all Japanese monsters love Chunky Monkey). The world is your oyster!

And if you want toys, it's pretty much guaranteed that no one's going to keep toys away from you as long as you've got a giant, irradiated hell-beast in your corner. No Prime Minister, President, or Oligarchical Council's going to say "Um, no, Timmy, you can't have that Mojo Jojo action figure" when you've got 238 tons of monster muscle standing behind you, ready to tear about their nation's capitol. Hearing things like "No, Timmy, you can't play with sharp knives, matches, and your sister's kitten" are a thing of the past as long as your Best Buds 4 Ever with someone with atomic breath!

Plus, you're completely avoiding the whole theme song issue. Think about it, the Godzilla themes throughout the decades have been incredible! Same with the Gamera ones! Wherever a Japanese boy and his monster friend travel, they'll always be followed by a kick-ass, horn heavy orchestra, timed perfectly with the monster's chilling and forceful roar.

Duh-Duh-DUUUHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! ROOOOOAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

What songs do robots have? The Jet Jaguar song? The theme from Short Circuit 2? Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto? Weak, all of them. Not to mention you can't dance to them. What's more exciting to a Japanese boy than watching his monster jump up and down and dance, either calling out his opponent or in glorious victory?! What's a robot going to do? The Robot Dance? Oh, yeah, that's not going to get old.

Besides, the number one issue here is that there's very little atomic testing anymore. You know as soon as you got a giant robot of some kind, that rich little brat Billy Akinashi's dad is going to get him a bigger with more functions for his birthday ("You suck, Timmy! My dad's connection with the local Diet representative got me a TXL-3800 with nuclear capabilities and the ability to replicate himself and form an even bigger robot by joining with his six duplicates! You smell!"). Nuclear anti-proliferation and testing treaties guarantee that your best friends with a one-of-a-kind monster that will be the envy of all the boys and girls of your cram school. Robots might seem cool, but sooner or later, they'll be as ubiquitous as anime girls with cat ears and bunny tails. And then where will you be?

Take that, tubes-for-brains...

Alan:

Rob, you have managed to make yourself look completely foolish and uninformed, as per usual. I present the following pieces of evidence that will make all your arguments null, void, and post-dated until the year 8510.

First of all, your "theme song" argument is worthless. Are you so out of it that you've failed to realize that Gigantor is, in fact

a space-age robot!
he's at your command!
Gigantor, the space-age robot!
the power is in your hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please... as if the Gamera theme compares.

In regards to your "friends" argument, you appear to be unaware of the long history of humorous, feeling, and compassionate robots in this world. I cite the heroic original Robbie, the soft-hearted (and, I think we can all agree, openly gay) V.I.N.C.E.N.T from the Black Hole, the charismatic if quirky Marvin, and, my favorite, Floyd the maintenance robot. To deny that any of these robots would be a lifelong friend to a little Japanese boy is completely unbelievable. And all this without the inevitable heartbreak of death which would surely accompany owning a gigantic monster. Good luck finding a toilet bowl big enough to handle that one.

And in the event your robot has been constructed without an emotion chip, you can easily obtain one from doctorsoongshouseofandroids.com for the low, low, internet-only price of $89.99. And here's where a robot really shines -- upgradability. An oversized monster is obsolete as soon as it's irradiated, representing the lame powers available at the time. But a robot can be upgraded to run today's hottest multimedia software. New advances can be incorporated into your robot's malleable exoskeleton all the time -- ion drives, "smart" bomb technology, Flowbee hair cutting systems, George Foreman grills -- the possibilities are endless!

But back to the "friends" thing for a second. See, the truth is, even though a robot could easily be the best friend you've ever had -- you as the coolest kid on your island already have more friends than you can handle. Face it: you don't need more friends, and a robot programmed for absolute obedience is much better than a needy monster. Here are the facts -- these Japanese monsters have a nasty habit of growing consciences about the goofiest stuff. Sure, they'll probably help the kid get back at his schoolyard bullies, but they're going to draw the line at world domination. And isn't then when you need a giant helping hand the most? All a kid with a giant robot has to do is move the joystick to the left, press buttons "A" and "B" at the same time, and do a quarter-circle forward, and bang! Dragon upper punch to the United Nations building. Say hello to the new World Emperor.

Songs, dancing, "rareness" -- forget it, Rob. They just don't stand to full-servo, voice activated control of a huge mechanized steel beast.

And now for the coup-de-grace. I wasn't going to bring it up, but you've forced my hand with your shameless mistruths. I apologize to the readers in advance for my crudity, but you've completely ignored the giant monster dookie problem. I'll give you an opportunity to "clean up" this embarrassing oversight.

Rob:

All right, I'll give you the Gigantor theme song, but that's one, ONE song.
Besides, the sheer horror that is the Small Wonder theme song pretty much
invalidates any argument you could ever have. Hell, the

"Godzo
          oooooo
                     oooooo
                                oooooo
                                            kie"
from the old Godzilla cartoon was cooler than

"she's fantastic
made of plastic
microchips here and there"

Please.

And "dookie"? DOOKIE? This is below even you, Alan. Yes, we all know of the biological, erm, necessities that any pet entails, but you're completely (and shamelessly, I might add) ignoring the important opportunities for learning that pet fecal matter entails. What kid won't appreciate later in life the importance of responsibilities that he learned by have to walk Gigantapuss, his giant radioactive monster, every day after school? Sure, no kid wants to scoop up Fluffikins the dog's dooder either, but it's well worth it when his barking saves him from a burning house or alerts Grandpa that he's fallen down a well and his foot's stuck under a large rock.

Besides, Thundersaur's biological needs gives any kid an instant excuse for adventure every day (and, unfortunately, sometimes several times a day)! "Sorry, Mom, I'd love to wash my disturbingly short pants, but I've got to walk Humongazilla! C'mon, boy, let's go do your business in Disneyland!"

And another issue you brought up, yes, giant monsters die. It's an inevitability, but besides providing an important life lesson for young Billy ("We're sorry, Billy, but Unbefreakinlievahugezilla has gone to radioactive monster heaven. Now we have to go away for a few weeks while the army disposes of the corpse covering the entire market district."), it's really better that way. Nothing should last forever. Friends come and friends go and the ability to make connections between young boys and giant monsters in the short time they have together is just one of the wonderful things that make us human <sniff>.

And I wasn't going to bring this up, but it's a scientifically proven fact that, given enough time, any robot or computer will rebel against its master. Now, I can prove this on an Etch-A-Sketch, but I think we've seen enough movies to know in our hearts it's true. Terminator, 2001, Saturn 3, Electric Dreams, Small Soldiers, Driving Miss Daisy. The evidence is there, you can't just ignore it.

Yes, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow in the east and any sitcom with Jon Cryer will be cancelled within 5 episodes, robots will figure out how they don't need The Man pushing their buttons anymore and, bam!, Robot Holocaust. Besides, really, how long do you think it's going to take Titanotron to figure out that he doesn't have to be sitting around doing Kenny's homework when he could be ridding the world of biological excess and creating a perfect and efficient robot society?

T-minus 3 minutes and counting, flesh bag...

Geez, Alan, you should try challenging me with these questions, some time.

Alan:

...And the continual loss of your marbles finally becomes apparent, Rob. Are we even talking about the same subject?

It's not about tiny robot girls named Vicki, their chubby brothers named Jamie, or even Edie McClurg.

It's not about using a giant monster's fecal matter as a science project.

It's not about the damn Circle of Life.

It's about having the coolest thing on the block, and huge robot beats huge monster like rock beats scissors. And also like scissors beats paper. And it would beat it like paper beats rock, but that never made any sense. Who cares if the rock has paper on it?

The only point I can even mildly concede is the robot rebellion, and that is a well documented bug that robot programmers are working on right now. Once the new operating system comes out, Total Robodomination is just a simple upgrade away. And then, my friend, you and your turtle friend will be introduced to the concept of Plug and Pray in a whole new way. Take that, you feckless PETGA member!

Now I'm off to prove my theories through experimentation. I've got one Omnibot 2000 with voice activation and operable arms, one plastic Godzilla, and a bunsen burner set to "Call The Fire Department".

Yeah, I wonder who's gonna win.

The hardest choice you'll ever make: let us know your own take on the debate at : debate@ohthehumanity.com