Warning! The following debate has 230% more juvenile sexual references than our traditional debates. If you would be potentially offended by crude, lewd comments about women in bikinis or well-oiled beefcake men, then you'd better go read old episodes of Cathablanca and forget about this.

We're not kidding. You have been warned.

Bikini "Insert Establishment Here"

A group of hard-luck entrepreneurs prevent the take-over of their place of business by raising money the old fashioned way -- with girls in tight bikini tops!

What type of business lends itself most favorably to raising large sums of cash with large breasted women in bikinis (and throw in a few big shirtless men for the la-hay-dies) ?

The new business may not infringe upon previously copyrighted bikini establishments as indicated by the Internet Movie Database's listing of movies that start with bikini in their title as of June, 1999 (or any other such establishment referenced in said movies). Also, businesses that already have bikinied or very much un-bikinied employees are not eligible (e.g., strip clubs, gentleman's clubs, Daughters of the American Revolution meetings, etc.) Please see the addendum FJS3-A93 for conditions applying to the "monokini".

Accordingly, the following establishments may not be used due to previous precedent:

Bikini : Bistro, Car Wash, Dance Club, Drive-In, Hotel, Traffic School, Hoe-Down Stadium, Med School, Television Station, Bikini Shop (seems redundant, doesn't it?).

Now, to the debate...

Alan:

With this debate, we're following the footsteps of every Hollywood hack writer who dreams of writing the next "Titanic" (I got dibs on "Monitor and Merrimac: The Musical"). A writer, who instead of finding fame and fortune, falls into the deep, dark trap of writing comedies starring surgically altered women who have signed a deal with the devil (aka "Showtime Cable Network") to make their careers only 2 degrees of separation away from Cory Feldman. And, with New City Releasing breathing down his back to churn a screenplay out quick, he must immediately come up with a breathtaking idea that will allow for both a minimum writing time and a minimum clothing budget. Knowing that a full fledged porno is out, he turns to that Holy Grail of cheap movie hackdom, the "Save the <something> with Breasts" genre!

But what business should be saved? The most obvious ones have already been taken (see above list). So what business could really benefit monetarily from the introduction of 12 Cindy Margolis protegees in skimpy suits?

My suggestion is Bikini Ice Cream Parlor. Their advertising slogan: "The best soft-serve cones in town!"

I think this is just the sort of place that will take gawking at women's breasts out of the strip clubs and into the family arena. Think of the place's fun atmosphere: it's festive, it's nice and cool on a warm summer's day, the servers are wearing bikinis, there are many flavors to choose from, it's cold, it's very cold. Did I mention it's cold in there? Think of the business they'd get. Forget celebrating at Friendly's -- now the parents will actually want to go to their child's birthday party. And the next time the kids ask Dad to take them for ice cream, he won't have to say "Just wait until Silk Stalkings is over, kay?"

Sure, there may be a few kinks to work out -- imagine the first time someone asks for a lick of "free samples". But before you know it, it'd be raking in the (cookie) dough faster than you can say "Why, yes, I would like to put Jimmies on that."

What say you, Rob?

Rob:

I think that's a fine suggestion, Alan, but I think you're missing out on the vital fact that people don't go and eat ice cream all that often. Sure, the lure of bikinis might bring the crowd out, but repeat business in the short-term may be a problem- no one's going to take their kids or let there spouses get ice cream more than twice a week. What you need to do is tap into a market which people are already a part of and increase their business to said industry. Then you've got the regulars plus the slack-jawed bikini addicts.

This is why I recommend opening the Bikini Dry Cleaners. Their slogan: "We do our dry cleaning wet!" After all, everyone needs dry cleaning, so they already have to go to places like this. By adding the bikini element, we not only entice Mr. and Mrs. Working American to do their dry cleaning more often, but draw in crowds of folks who sit and home and watch Renegade all day and don't normally get any dry cleaning to come on in and get their Kiss: The Psycho Circus t-shirts pressed. Another element here is that dry cleaning is damn expensive. The most you're going to spend at an ice-cream shop is 5 bucks a person, tops. You can't get a suit cleaned for less than 7, and most people won't walk in with just one. That's money in the bank and more than enough to keep us all rolling in the green stuff. Plus, you make a few nights a week "Suds 'n Studs" night with an all-male line-up and watch the women-folk bring every damn suit, blouse, and Christmas-present scarf they've got. Cha-ching!

And one last note: You bring up the fact that it's cold in an ice cream parlor- well, I think the effect you want in an Official Bikini Establishment (member B.D.I.C.) is heat, not cold. Think about it... at the beginning of the day, as the customer's bring their things in, all the workers are wearing cheerleader and Catholic schoolgirl outfits (for the female workers) and policeman and fireman uniforms (for the men). But it's hot dry cleaning all day. So by the time the customers come back to pick up their things, all the employees have stripped down to their bikinis, with a fine sheen of sweat on their bodies after a hard day's work. A long day of slow undressing would have customers bringing things in on their lunch breaks, cigarette breaks, and made-up breaks just to go check the progress of the (ahem) "staff".

I said it before, and I'll say it again: Money in the bank. Alan?

Alan:

I think you've got a good idea there, Rob. Still, we're talking about a dry cleaning place -- and unless you install some large glass windows, I don't think you're going to have customers coming in to gawk on their lunch hours like a Diet Coke commercial. Surely if you did go through with it, it would be one of the top 10 best Bikini Establishments as rated by Bikini 5000 magazine. But I believe I've got the Microsoft of Bikini Enterprise Companies in my next pick:

Bikini Tax Preparation Service. Their guarantee - "The only Tax Preparation Service that will raise your tax bracket and put a smile on your face!"

Consider for a moment -- there is no more stressful event in the fiscal year than tax time. The average person procrastinates until the last possible moment -- and then what? Confusion reigns as they fill out dense legalese forms while trying to calculate how many dependents they can put down if their pet iguana Willy has babies.

Now consider the traditional Tax Preparation Service -- sure, there's no stress -- but it's a sterile, cold place with a lot of tickering calculators and PAs glaring at you, sternly asking "Have you sorted your receipts by alphabetical order yet?" That's still no fun. But throw in a few bikinis and a liquor license and you've got a party ready to get started RIGHT (ala C&C Music Factory).

Desperately-in-need-of-a-little-relaxation taxpayers will flow in at a steady rate. Forget those long lines -- we've got a glittering semi-circular stage surrounded by well worn chairs. All the eager over-taxed citizens can sit on a comfortable stool with a drink in their hands and get answers to W2 Form questions from half nekkid ladies and gents. Men, go ahead and slip some receipts into that girl's string bikini! Women -- fill out your estimated gross income on the well-tanned back of a prime piece o' beefcake! Children -- have yourselves a Shirley Temple (sorry, we don't serve minors) and pray for the day when you too can do taxes! Yes, folks, the only deductions you'll have to worry about here are the ones the employees take from their "clothing funds". And that is a very good thing.

I know what you're saying -- how will they actually get the taxes done? Won't the bikinied staff be too "busy" to process the material? They sure will be! That's why the BTPS has culled nerdy college economics majors to sit in the back room and do the real work. And, as provided under by Bikini Movie Regulations Section 4c, one of these geeky number crunching co-eds will be a well endowed woman who only needs to remove her clunky glasses and don a swimsuit to become extremely hot! It's in the rules, people!

The best part is that it can be an entirely fly-by-night operation -- a few weeks during tax season and it'll bring in enough to last the entire year. All that needs to be done is to rent an office, pay some college punks $8 an hour and offer same day refunds in cash (tipping is allowed, see?) It can't fail! Yes, I know we're going to get rich with this scheme, Rob -- and quick!

Rob:

A fine idea, Alan, although if it were my bikini tax establishment, the slogan would be "We'll drop our shorts... not your tax bracket!"

Still, I can't get past the idea that it's just too seasonal a business. Sure, you might make enough loot during tax season to last you the whole year, but why do that when you can suck the bikini teat all year long? I say you need something quick and trendy, yet year round. Something like Bikini Bagel Shop ("We've got the best holes in town!"- can I say that on a family site?) [Ed.: No, you can't, but the way America is headed ...] or The Electric Pikachu Bikini Pokemon Teletubbie Fun Factory (like Chuck-E-Cheese but with bikinis... and better pizza). But those just aren't right. To get back to the pure core of what a bikini business must be, it must be something fun and it must be something vaguely sleazy and quite low-brow. This is what made The Bikini Car Wash Company and Bikini Drive-In so charming, they're pretty much low-class activities serving their clientele with pride and cleavage. Hell, it worked for Hooters.

This is why I recommend starting: The Bikini Bowling Alley.

Just think about it: bowling has always been popular throughout our great nation. And how do you bring back those who have moved beyond the lanes, into such exciting recreational activities as wrestling, monster truck shows, and watching wrestling and monster truck shows on tv? Just add bikinis! I ask you, Mr. and Mrs. Middle America, would you rather spend another night at home watching Roller Jam on TNN and drinking Michelob, or would you rather do something which you haven't done since high school and bowl the night away drinking $7 Michelob pitchers and have your pins set up, not by automatic machines, but by sexy pin monkeys in bikinis?!

And that would be the key to Bikini Bowling, having your pins set up by real live women (and men in every few lanes) in bathing suits. This would bring everyone back to the alley. Lines would form around the block. You could put signs up all over town exhorting your business with slogans like "Bring Your Ten-Pounder Down to our Girls!" or "Our Studs Have the Biggest 'Pins' in Town!" Hooters would have nothing on this business.

The best part about is that it's year-round. No winter to worry about like at a drive-in, and during the day you have a moneymaking operation for teens to go to while skipping school (they don't get the bikinis, though, the fun doesn't start until 9). And on Saturday and Sunday mornings, you have bumper pool set up for the kids with the models dressed as such fun characters as: The Bikini Queen of England (woman in a bikini with a crown); The Ice Cream Man (man in a Speedo with a paper hat); and, of course, Everyone's Best Friend's Mom (woman in a bikini).

Alan, this is such a great moneymaking scheme, I almost feel bad giving it away to the citizens of the world for free like this. You better finish this up before we give all the good bikini secrets away -- we've got to save a few for the Infomercial!

Alan:

Rob, I think you've got it. Anyone familiar with my humanitarian efforts in trying to put the pin monkey back in bowling will recognize that the bikini is the key! Except... won't the bikinimonkeys be really far away? Come to think of it, I don't think we'll even get a clear glimpse of them at the other end of the lane from us. Arggh, this throws the whole thing out of whack!

Damn, these movie plots never work in real life .... we might as well give up.

The time has come to face the music -- the truth is, I think we've gone mad from saying the word "bikini" too much (41 times by my count). Who knows whether we will ever recover from our lofty bikini (42) dreams and face a world where almost no establishments contain women in skimpy
bikinis (43). People, take heed -- the lesson is : Bikinis kill!

Which gives me an idea -- Bikini Gun Store! Their advertising slogan ...

... oh, nevermind.

Ah, T & A & Corporate America: we know you've got an STSWB idea, and we promise not to steal it (maybe). Come on and tell us at : debate@ohthehumanity.com