THE MOVIE: 

The Wild World of Batwoman (aka She Was A Hippy Vampire) 

Batwoman, an atomic bomb hearing aid, the producer getting sued by the makers of "Batman" -- forget about it, let's talk about go-go dancing.

Is having a ray which makes people go-go dance uncontrollably really a suitable weapon to take over the world with? 
 

Okay. It's the Sixties.  Go-go dancing has achieved the status of "craze" as millions of teenage girls across the country start wearing high white go-go boots and have a sudden attraction to cages.  What's an evil scientist bent on world domination to do?  Make a nuclear bomb?  Nah, that's too 1950's.  Make a huge drill to dig into the core of the Earth, destroying a hemisphere?  Nah, it's been done.  Any mad scientist worth his salt is going to do what the nutty science-type-guy in The Wild World of Batwoman does and build his very own chemical or device which makes people stop whatever they're doing (tending bank vaults, guarding Fort Knox, "interviewing" White House interns) hoping that he (it is the Sixties, after all, so according to movies, it will be a he) will be able to rule the world!  So, realizing this, is this really the best weapon to use for world conquest?  What are it's pros and cons?  That is what we're here today to discuss.     

Well, I'm going to have say that despite the obvious advantages to having a go-go ray (a "ray" wasn't actually used in The Wild World of Batwoman, but it's much easier to discuss and we have extrapolated it's existence from several Mayan drawings and Nazca carvings) for such purposes as embarassing bosses and breaking the ice at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, isn't really all that great. Sure, you could probably rob a few banks by making the tellers and guards and customers and stuff dance while you take off with some loot.  It all looks good, right?  Wrong.  Because sooner or later, someone's going to get off a lucky shot before you manage to roll in your thousands of pounds of stuff necessary to run today's hottest multimedia go-go ray equipment. Such a weakness is really inherent in any kind of device like this, and I for one am always surprised that so many criminals try to use it in such films as  Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine and that Get Smart! made for t.v. movie called The Nude Bomb.  If there's one thing I've learned from the movies, its that scientists are always trying to make a device which renders one naked, dancing, or in a bikini.  The problem is, I just can't seem to think of a good reason why.  Alan, perhaps you could help me out here?   

Alan:

Rob, it's been too long if you can't think of a good reason why scientists want to create devices which make women dance naked.  Now, I know I'm usually on the "con" end of these talks, always ready to bring down a fun,  although usually impractical idea.  But in this case, and not merely to play the devil's advocate -- I have to say that I think you're very wrong about it being a bad scheme for world domination.  First Law of Go-Go Dynamics: Go-go dancing is absolutely fascinating.  I love Go-Go dancing.  I love the boots.  I love the cages.  I love the hippy hips that went out of style with Twiggy.  Show me a man that doesn't and I'll set him up with a gay friend of mine (he's just a friend, I swear!)  

You stated that eventually somebody's going to get a lucky shot on our ray-wielder and the plan will be shot to Frugging Hell.  Completely true -- under normal circumstances.  Let's examine the situation of Batman. Every week he fights a new villain who creates some complex device or method to kill Batman.  How about shooting him in the face?  With the complete attention of every criminal element from the archiest of the arch-villians  to the lowliest of the wayward orphans (watch out -- they'll bite ya!), everyone of them is eventually going to take a pot shot at him with their legally obtainable gun.  If Batman really existed (I have to go comfort some sobbing fan-boys right now), he would have died long since (there, there, fan-boy!).  How could your average super-villain (not arch-super-villain) hope to keep himself alive while wielding a go-go ray, when Batman, the coolest human on earth (next to the Amazing Randi), is in comic character heaven?  

By the First Law of Go-Go Dynamics.  Not only will the targets of the go-go ray be incapacitated, so will every non-blind person in the viewing area.  They will be forced, nay, compelled by their very nature, to ogle and drool -- if not join in themselves.  So the men, at least the straight men, will be completely unable to function.  Ah, and we do get the lesbians. Approximately half the population under control sounds like a good start.  

Rob:

Well, Alan, I'm intrigued by your idea, but would not women, upon sighting the gyrating hips of the male targets of the go-go ray, also start dancing? And wouldn't men (and lesbians) who sighted those people start dancing as well?  What kind of chain reaction would this start?  Sooner or later, everyone in the world (except, of course, for the blind and possibly Billy Graham, although I doubt it) would be swept up into the go-go wave that would take place.  The world would be filled with drooling people gazing at go-go-ing men and women and our mad scientist (presumably with the aid of some kind of anti-go-go glasses) would be one of the few people unaffected. Sure, he would now have control of the world, but what kind of world will it be?  He's not going to be able to get people to build him monuments or giant cheeseburgers or anything because they're all going to be busy dancing or drooling until they pass out.  Meanwhile, while he frustratingly tries to get people to stop the damn dancing long enough for him to at least may a decree towards them or something, a small group of blind and celibate people will find a way to perhaps either reverse his ray or rip his  anti-go-go-goggles off.  It's simple chaos theory, Alan, I think, and besides, if there's one thing we've learned from Batman's rogue gallery, it's that they're doomed to fail.  Let's presume that in the real Batman-less world, there would be almost no one to resist his scheme. There's still always some random guy in the subway with a gun who, because he happenned to be wearing a special set of extra-blue contact lenses, is going to be immune and is going to find the scientist (it shouldn't be too hard, just follow the go-go ray) and pick him off.  Sure, it may not happen this way, but believe you me, something's going to happen.  

I tell you what the real problem is, though.  Even with his anti-go-go-goggles (I feel like Inspector Gadget all of a sudden), the scientist is going to see the dipping torsos and twitching thighs of the female (or male dancers, if he's that way) dancers and he's going to be envious of the droolers.  What will he do? Why, driven to the very heights (the HEIGHTS, I tell you) of jealousy, he will rip off his goggles, leaving the world to the domain of the blind and the celibate.  It's all over for humanity then, my friend.  Game over.  No freakin' bug hunt here.   

Alan:

Well, I think it comes down to what your real objective is in taking over the world.  If our criminal mastermind has learned anything from nuclear conflict, he'll realize the game he's playing is high-stakes strip and dance poker.  Clearly a world full of go-go dancin fools is practically useless in an industrial-economic sense -- our mad scientist is probably just going to demonstrate and threaten.  He's got just enough insanity to use his ray in a massive attack if he has to, but his preference is just to be great big king ruler of the Earth.  It's a fairly sound strategy. He can protect himself against asassination by rigging a remote go-go inducer should his heart stop beating.  Only the truly crazy (who, we must assume, do not have sufficient resources to make the attempt) will try to kill him.  He can't die without triggering world destruction (let's hope he keeps his cholesterol down!).  The best part of his plan is that the go-go ray only has to work long enough to cause the utter collapse of civilization -- all he needs to do is create a critical mass of go-goers and the explosion is unstoppable.  The go-go phenomena will block out all useful, productive activities and result in barren planet. The late, great, Cornell professor Rob almost had a class with -- Carl Sagan -- had a name for this hell -- "Go-go winter".  

Rob:

Alan, I couldn't agree with you more.  That's basically the key to my feeling that a go-go ray isn't really the greatest way to take over the world.  Sooner or later, the ruler is going to die, without leaving the world in any kind of stability.  No children to continue his rule.  No one around after the coming go-go-pocalypse to worship at his altar.  When he dies, the world is left a slowly dying ember, without humanity to prosper amongst its verdent fields.  Sad, ain't it?  But, I'm on your side, Alan, the Big Man probably wouldn't care, he's just megalomaniacal enough that he just wants his time to rule and would then let the world fall into oblivion. And after go-go winter passed, what other new species would take the reins of the Earth, leading into newer and newer millennia?  What strange creatures will someday uncover the remains of our, more primitive Earth?

Surely, they will find the bones of our go-go contorted bodies as their anthropologists try to reason why our proud race of dancers died out.  And we will be a lesson to them.  A monument to Man's ignorance, and how one man's quest for power could lead to the downfall of civilization.  Ahhh, sometimes I just feel so....  Heinlein or something.

Alan:  

Let this being a warning: Truly, the Gods DO Hate Kansas!