THE MOVIE:

Godzilla, Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster, Godzilla vs. Your Mom, etc...

In all of the Godzilla (and every other Japanese monster movie for the most part) movies, the plot pretty much involves the big green guy taking on the entire city of Tokyo. Sure, he and others ocassionally take on Okinawa or some other place in Japan, and in the new movie he takes out New York, but still, aren't there plenty of other places for him to take out?

Were you to be suddenly mutated into a humongous irradiated beast of some kind, what city would you wish to destroy?

Okay, let me get this straight. I've just been turned into a giant beast through nuclear testing/radioactive waste dumping/reaching into the microwave for my Pizza Rolls a little too early, and I've got all the cities of the world to choose from to feed my neverending bloodlust. Hm.

Well, I've got to say that the first places I would cross of my list would be most of Japan, New York, and France. The whole Japan thing's just been done to death. New York's getting done in the new movie, and after Independence Day (or ID4 for the truly lame among us), Deep Impact, and Escape From New York, the poor city's been through enough. France... well, invading any part of France would necessarily involve my actually visiting and being in France.  Sure, I'd be there to destroy it, but still.... No thanks.

I'm going to have to go with New Orleans, I think. See, if there's one thing this world and the genre of cheesy monster movie needs, is one fun-lovin' party animal. The other guys are just soooo serious. I mean, Gamera's hung up on his whole "Gamera loves children" shtick and Mothra has those two tiny chicks in the sea shell to take care of. Where's the monster that just wants to chill, pop a few beers, and kill thousands of innocent tourists? I tell you, I will be that monster. I thought of Las Vegas, but then I figured that it's just too far inland and too hot (yeah, it's a dry heat, but I'm thinking lizard skin dries out pretty easily). So, New Orleans. Picture it, it's Mardi Gras, thousands of drunk college girls are exposing their naughty bits to total strangers, and even the mayor is drunk by 10 in the morning. Not only will I not face any defense by the local constabulary (they'll be starting off the day with margaritas), but no one will even notice a 20-story monster. They'll just think it's a really great costume! Well, until I eat them, I guess...

Alan:

I'm not so sure. I've never been a huge fan of New Orleans. And eating those cajun flavored folks down there might give me some indigestion, what with my now gigantic ulcer. Also, I feel that a fringe benefit of destroying a major city should be the elimination of famous people whose loss to humanity will be felt deeply, and frankly, Wolfgang Puck doesn't cut it.

Besides, if we're talking drunk college girls, I'm sure I'd have a much better time at Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break. First of all, I don't need any damn beads to get flashed. Second, unlike most other cities, my gigantic stature and destructive tendencies will only help me get laid.

Third, I can take out Bill Belamy, Serena Aultschul (Hiiiiii, I'm Serena Aultschul) and that new stupid vee-jay in ONE FELL SWOOP of the MTV pavillion!

But -- I'm passing up Lauderdale for my "3rd Best City to Stomp". I don't want blurry eyed freshman cheering me on by raising their Red Dogs in salute -- that's too crass. I need something ironic, more pointed. I need to show up those hippy "peace, love, sex and low crime rate" that legalized pot ain't gonna protect them from the sweet wrath 'o mine. I'm hitting Amsterdam!

I know, Rob -- you feel Reptilicus got cheated by only getting to destroy Copenhagen, and Amsterdam is along the same lines. But choosing Amsterdam shows that it's not the population size, tallness of buildings or historical importance that makes a stompable city, it's the personal grudge that you have against it. And I want to see Amsterdam go down!!!

Rob:

Despite the fact that I'm not sure what your deeply felt beef with Amsterdam is, I think I have to agree that it's a perfectly fine city to trash. See, Copenhagen is nothing compared to Amsterdam. At least Amsterdam has tourists (pot hungry tourists, but still, they're tourists). Reptilicus only got to destroy some minor cultural sites. What are the chances that he got to take out a stoned American tourist at the same time?

Still, as long as we're discussing European cities to destroy, I'd have to say that I, as Robilicus (my cool mutant codename), I too would avoid such obvious targets as London, Paris, Rome, and the capital of Lichtenstein (what is it, anyway? Lichtenstein?). Alan, I would recommend along your lines of destroying the rich, the famous, and the obnoxious, that we all take a good hard look at Cannes. Now, I said I would avoid France, but dag-nurbit, this is just too good a target to pass up. Imagine this A beach in the French Riviera. Seated at a single table are Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, James Cameron, that new MTV vj (who does like this guy?), and the entire cast of Starship Troopers. As they sip their fruity cocktails, a huge creature emerges from the ocean, and as dozens of Japanese and E! reporters run off screaming and looking over their shoulders, crushes them all with one single footstep! Well, except Demi Moore, she does suffer severe brain damage making her unable to do anything except topless scenes.

Anyway, the monster (me!) goes on to destroy the whole town, ridding the world of what could be its greatest evil (they did open last year's festival with The Fifth Element, let's recall). Now that's satisfaction, my friend.
 

Alan:

I like the cut of your jib, sailor! In truth, Cannes does deserve a massive foot-crushing. It nearly made my list. The only thing I'm upset about is that you got a cool mutant monster name. I didn't get a cool name, you ass-bastard! And if I try to think of one now, I'll look like a lame rip-off. I'll be the Rodan of the of the -- well -- radioactive monster world.

Back to the subject at hand, I'll let you know my "2nd Best City to Stomp": Cairo! Now, I've got nothing personal against Cairo, except the many times I got there to find that Carmen Sandiego's trail was cold and no one knew where in the world she was! As a city, it's a fair choice, old world charm combined with modern day terrorism, but there's nothing special to recommend it. No, the real incentive comes from the nearby Giza plateau, site of the Great Pyramids!

Battle plan for Cairo: I crawl out of the ocean in Morrocco. Crossing the Atlas mountains, I dive into the deep sand of the Sahara and burrow toward Giza. Nearing the pyramids, I emerge and start for Cheops' bed and breakfast from direct west. No one sees me coming! I roar, shake the Pyramids from their foundations, kick over the Sphinx and wade across the Nile to Cairo. Here's the cool part -- I wade beneath the surface, carrying the Pyramids over my head! Those Egyptians won't know what's happening -- they'll be too busy wondering if they should start worshipping Ra again -- and that's when I strike. Three giant stone Pyramids, once representing the grandeur of ancient Egypt, flatten downtown Cairo. Now they are a monument to how much I kick ass.

Bonus: we can fly in the new MTV veejay and impale him with the pyramid's pointy end (although I realize that the top stones are many times too large to "impale" him). It will be a symbolic victory.

Rob:

Nice thinking there, Alan. Or, as I will now call you GargantuAlan, Devourer of Men! (everyone deserves a cool monster nickname) The Cairo thing would be pretty cool, especially the pyramid bit! While my next conquest would lack the irony of yours, I feel that it would make up for it in sheer audacity. Think about it What city has only once in its entire existence been invaded? That's right, I'm heading straight towards Beijing! (That's Peking for those of you with really old globes or perhaps high school geography books.) Not only is the city rich in historical significance, but with its huge population, it's practically a buffet for someone of my size! I could hardly open my mouth to yawn without inadvertantly swallowing some several thousand screaming denizens. Sure, for sheer population, I could head to a place like Mexico City, but the height (it's way, way, WAY above sea level) and the pollution (worst in the world) would just make me groggy, and besides, it doesn't match the scope that levelling Beijing would have. Plus, China has one thing Mexico doesn't, and that's nuclear weapons. The Chinese would launch the entirety of their nuclear capabilities as a last-ditch effort to save their eternal empire, and I as a radioactive mutant would love it! I'd probably get stronger! You know how they say no one ever wants to start a war with China because of all the people? Imagine how much they'd want to start a war with the monster who kicked their ass. I'd be free to roam wherever I damn well please, I tell you.

I know what you're thinking -- Wouldn't Japan want to try and defeat me in order to finally claim the mainland they've wanted for lo these many years? Ha! The Japanese have seen their country destroyed by more monsters than you could shake a cat at. Why, just the appearance of Godzookie off the coast would send them scurrying for the foothills of Mount Fuji! China is just perfect. I could set down some roots there. There's plenty of room to roam, the food is good, and I could even give Tibet back to the Tibetans, not because I care, but Hollywood would be so happy they'd keep the U.S. Government off my back. Maybe I could even get Richard Gere to visit and then eat him. Hmmm... I think that sounded a bit wrong. I mean swallow him. Woah! Wait a minute, I meant that I'd stick him in my mouth and- OH MY LORD! I'm just going to shut up now, you get the point (not that there would be anything wrong with that). This is one very-confident-in-his-heterosexuality monster sending it back to you, GargantuAlan.

Alan:

Oops!  You kind of jinxed me by crossing my number one city off your list already.  But, still, I press on with my huge self.

London, Paris, LA, New York -- all too easy, all unworthy of a thinking monster's stomping.  Mexico City -- most death by foot per capita, but I'm no more immune to smog than you, Robilicus.  Hong Kong -- I would fear the political ramifications.

Sorry, but the big city lights just don't hold much attraction for me.  I'd go historical.  But... Athens -- is way too boring.  Constantinople (I'm not calling it Istanbul) -- I'd love to bestride the Bosporus like a Colossus, but there hasn't been anything left to sack since the Crusades.  Jerusalem -- my evil presence would undoubtedly bring together Christians, Jews and Muslims, once bitter enemies, now big happy friends, all trying to kill me. Who wants that?

So what's left?  Just my "#1 Best City to Stomp", Italy's gem, Rome!  Ooh, how I'd enjoy strolling down the Appian Way, kicking cute little Italian sportscars.  Then I'd take a little walk downtown, roundhousing every building in site. The Colloseum would break like a Lego pirate's fortress set.  The Pantheon would lie in ruins.  I would use my "special powers" to ensure that the famous Baths would never again be used or approached to within 2 miles.  All Seven Hills would become rubbage dumps.  Arrivederce, Saint Peter's! The Pope would have to flee the Vatican, leaving millions of Catholics stunned and unable to make choices about birth control.  This, Robilicus, is true chaos!  Imagine the devastating block party we could have!  Let's go -- you bring the brandy, and I'll start rounding up some babes.  I hear those Italian women sunbathe nude... GargantuAlan like!