(with added notes by respected B-Fest
veteran Ken Begg from Jabootu.com )

Everyone knows that the world will end at precisely 12:00 midnight, January 1, 2000 A.D.

"Screw that, I've got a B-Fest to go to!"

I think any dedicated B-Fest attendee would agree with these sentiments (and possibly even a few potential attendees who are rightfully excited without ever having been). Yea, even if Criswell himself had predicted the world would end already, we would still be going to the good old B-Fe -- wait a minute, Criswell -- August 18th, 1999 -- oh my God, we did it! We blew it up! We maniacs!

Apologies all around. Back to the B-Fest:

Around here (OTH Headquarters -- where the magic happens) , we're so excited about the coming B-Fest2K that in addition to our yearly re-cap, we decided to give a little beforehand advice to those planning on attending for the first time (and those who just wish they were) -- as well as to the wily old veterans who may be growing senile from the pressure of 24 hours of bad movies. Yes, it's not easy to survive the wasteland that is B-Fest. But with our solid advice and a little pre-fest planning, you'll be well on your way to taking on the Fest and living to tell about it.

1. Get some sleep. Before the festival starts. We suggest you take a couple of days off work beforehand and stay up really late watching every bad movie that comes on TBS. Your sleep cycle is best at B-Fest when you're 7 hours off your circadian rhythm. Late to bed, late to rise: try to coincide your "awake for 24 hours" mark as close to end of the B-Fest as possible, and you'll be wittier, wiser, and less prone to drooling in your sleep on the guy next to you (sorry, Rob!).

2. Choose your bunker location (theater seat) carefully. Do you need leg-room? Better get a seat in front (realize the the whole front left wing is usually taken by Ken Begg, party of 48). Do you go the bathroom a lot? Take a seat on the right wing. Need to spread out? There's more room in the back of the theatre. Are you a group of single, beautiful women seeking two guys with a limited future? Hey, sit next to us -- we're always in the second row from the front of the left wing, right behind the Jabootu crew. Are you regular Joes with nothing better to do? Hey, sit next to us -- oh, sorry -- those seats are taken by the beautiful women. "See, they left their jackets on the seat..." Seriously, though, front left is probably the place to be what with all the bad movie site celebrities arriving. I'm going to get Dr. Freex's autograph!

Correlary to Advice Item 2: Sit the hell down! Get your gear in your area as soon as possible so people can get to know each other and renew old acquantainces. The biggest problem with B-Fest is that they don't open the gates until 6:00 and they start the show as soon as possible right after, so there's little time to talk. So get to your area quick and we can all have a few extra minutes to banter -- it may not seem like a big deal, but the B-Fest will be over before you know it, and people you've spent 24 hours straight with will disappear within minutes of the end. Get that precious people person time while you can!

3. Don't forget a pillow, Tums, and spending money (you will be charged a fine for any "Play Free Bird" jokes -- hey, we didn't make the rules!). DO forget your laser pointer (man, is that get annoying). Remember that flashlights and paper plates are an absolute necessity during Plan 9 -- if you don't know what for, you'll find out soon enough. Do yourself a favor and bring garbage bags to clean up after yourself during the Fest. Pack any other essentials you desperately need. Remember, once you're in, you ain't going no where unless you crack -- and in that case, we'll have to put you down for the good of all mankind. Keep in mind that this is literally the case (not the shooting part) during the midnight to morning hours -- the vault doors are locked, and one can leave but never return! Err... until morning, at least.

4. Learn all the lyrics to the Wizard of Speed and Time and instantly look like a B-Fest master. Better yet, learn all the lyrics and all the subliminal messages and point them out as it plays. Better still, learn all the lyrics, find the subliminal messages, and refuse to go up on stage while wearing a contemptuous "been there.. done that" expression. Stylin'!

5. Test fire your comedy in advance.

• Start making fun of *good* films when you watch them -- if you can point out the foibles of golden classics, you know you're ready for the big leagues.
  
  
• Watch the History Channel every night for a week. This helps freshen historical references in the front of your mind (which is, anatomically speaking, smack dab in the middle of where the funny happens). Remember: there is nothing funnier than a Fokker Scourge joke.
  
  
• Don't bother stock-piling jokes in advance. You'll either forget them, or spend half of a film waiting for a good opportunity to make the joke, and miss a lot of chances at riffing.
  
  
• For bad movie reviewers in particular -- stop trying to mentally review the film in your head. Don't start working out your take on the film while you're still watching it. Stop making jokes to yourself to be written down later. In fact, stop thinking about the movie at all and just make fun of it with your friends -- after all, isn't that how it all started in the first place? We suggest you do a mini B-Fest bulk up and only make verbal jokes -- don't review the movies at all -- just to get your head in the right place. It really makes a difference (besides, you're writing a lot more reviews than us and it's making us look bad).

6. Be very careful about your food and beverage choices. Most people will shop in the grocery store and pick up every junk food item they find (Slim Jims, Cheeze-Whiz, Cross and Blackwell's canned Mincemeat filling, etc). That's fine until about 2:34 when you realize that you're hungry and your stomach can't stand even one more Snicker Doodle (and we have pretty iron stomachs, but consider that if you start feeling uncomfortable, there's no where to run to, baby, no where to hide...). We suggest you plan to get at least one good meal *during* the B-Fest -- not including brunch time, when most everyone goes to the cafeteria for a little R&R and some tapped Birch Beer). Get in with some drunk guys ordering pizza, or bring a tiny cooler with some subs -- you'll thank us.

Don't forget the drinks. Don't forget that bottled water can be a real life saver when you've been drinking RC Cola all night (and buy them in the little individual bottles -- it's worth it). Don't forget that alcoholic drinks are not allowed. Hear that, you big rummy?

7. Buy an Oh, the Humanity! t-shirt, mug, or related paraphernalia from us in the lobby (at cost, no less!)

It's just common sense.

8. Be prepared for the line-up. Not knowing the mood of the films to come and ignoring your own weaknesses can be a deadly combination. Now, some folks like to go Stud B-Fest -- the Beggian coined term for refusing to look at the line-up at all. I should stress this should be attempted by hard-core veterans ONLY as the shock of not knowing what's next could kill a rookie. Personally, I like to know when I can go to the bathroom and not miss a turning point in my bad movie life, so I plan ahead against the schedule.

Whether you decide to go Stud or not, you should still be prepared for the mood of the movies at each point in the Fest so that your immune system is in the correct gear. With this in mind, we present:

The Starter Flick: The first movie tends to be a rollicking, fun movie to get you excited from the start. Some of the jokes made during this flick will stick around the entire Fest, so pay attention. Absolute fun here -- even the weakest viewers will have no trouble getting through one bad movie.

Build up to Plan 9: The coming attraction pervades the films before it and makes even the most lackluster junk a little better. Most people are still feeling no ill effects at this point, so you should be safe.

Plan 9: So much fun you'd think your ass wasn't even asleep! It's always there, always at exactly 12:00 midnight, like a clockwork version of the Rock of Gibraltar. People who were starting to flag revive instantly and yell their hearts out. Unfortunately, that leads to:

The Next Movie Letdown: Face it, we can't watch Plan 9 again, and everyone expended a lot of energy during the film; so no matter what the next movie is, it's probably going to be pretty subdued. You might fall asleep here, so watch out. This is also probably the first point where the pressure will be getting to the less hardy amongst us. Old campaigners do their best to keep the audience going during the letdown flick -- contribute what you can.

The Psychotronic Set: This is where the mood of the B-Fest changes drastically, and, to be blunt, some people just can't handle it. Respectable folks weaned entirely on cheesy 50's sci-fi tend to get uncomfortable with the films shown at this point; at the very least, the movies are pretty damn weird, often contain nudity (and not always the good kind), involve the use of psychedelic drugs, and do their best to screw you up mentally (not exactly difficult after all the viewers have already been subjected to). At their worst, well -- there's the Movie Which May Not Be Named (see past B-Fest review from 98 where it *is* named).

Be warned: some people will break at this point and may not come back. Remember that the B-Fest is not all fun and games -- part of it is about serious mental torture and strong lack of moral values. I recommend easily disturbed people start falling asleep right after Plan 9 From Outer Space and not wake up until about 5:30.

The Doldrums (aka .. the "Sweetspot"): Plan 9 has been over for hours. 2 weirdo cult flicks have drained you of any resolve to stay up the entire fest. Mentally, physically exhausted from the past movies, many people fall totally asleep at this point. The B-Fest planners know this. They show long, boring, movies at this point. DO NOT FALL ASLEEP! This is the time for the real brotherhood (and sisterhood, if we could only get more sisters in the house) of the Fest. This concept is more fully explained in past B-Fest reviews -- this year, however, more bad movie fans than ever will be around and we suggest this might be a good opportunity to do some circulating (careful not to wake the dead, though).

The Wake-Up Call: Usually a pretty good film around 7:00 or so to get you up and going before breakfast. The planners do a fine job of making this movie "one you'd wake up for". Groggy, but triumphant, most people (those who're still around) will be up for this.

The Endless Sea: Here comes the marathon -- right after the big breakfast break, about 5 movies in a row with basically no special events to break them up. You've either trained yourself into shape for this series or you're hating life with an utter passion. The truth is -- this probably won't break you. If you've come this far, you're in it for the long haul. But the difference is whether or not you have *fun* at this point, so rest up and be ready. Hopefully, there'll be a Castle flick or two to keep you going; but there's never a guarantee.

The Climax: A Godzilla movie to end all movies. Or rather, it *should* be a Godzilla movie if everything times out correctly (and we hope it does). The last explosion of a dying fire. Alas, Babylon! Or something. Relax -- you made it! Enjoy the victory.

Finally, a little After-Fest advice: help clean-up. It's just the right thing to do. Also, buy some Oh, the Humanity! t-shirts, mugs, or related paraphernalia. Again -- it's just the right thing to do.

So there you have it; how to beat the system and become a professional B-Fest surviver. With these tips, you'll be prepared for the worst; with any luck, you'll be sane and ready to rebuild the broken shards of civilization (err, go to the next B-Fest in 2001). Here's hoping to see you at B-Fest2K!

Love,
Alan