It's a good time for DVD player owners. DIVX is now officially dead ("I didn't do it!! It was like this when I got here!") And despite the tragically unpreventable falloff in "DIVX RULEZ DVD SUX" posts in Internet newsgroups, DIVX's demise will undoubtedly remove a stumbling block to the general acceptance of the DVD format by consumers, who have generally flocked to the format more slowly than hard-core videophiles (AKA people with too much money on their hands).

Still, the biggest problem with DVD is the limited number of titles available -- that's assuming you're not looking for multi-angle porn (we're not judging), but for real "filmed" movies. And this plays right into the hands of the bad movie lover. Cheap bad movies are being released on DVD every week to fill the gaps in Coming Soon lists.

But should bad movie lovers really be interested? Here's the usual argument against bothering with crappy movies on DVD: "Why would you need to see a really bad movie in high resolution picture with Dolby AC3 Surround Sound?" (you also hear them saying "Ricky Martin fathered my baby!"-- but we won't go into that). The point is well taken, but it misses some essential truths. I'm not going to get into a technical discussion of DVD's audio/video merits, but it's pretty clearly an evolutionary step beyond VHS in all facets (or Creationist step -- I don't want to be controversial -- because it's clearly possible that DVD was set in motion when God made the Universe 3000 years ago).

One of the basic problems with the "unnecessary extra quality" argument is that it assumes video quality is pretty good in the first place. DVD proponents would likely argue with this assessment -- but beyond that, I think it can be argued that video releases of bad movies are usually of poorer quality than even normal video releases. Old prints, cheap distributors and inattention to detail result in poor transfers and a quick dump into Suncoast's $2.99 bin.

One of the advantages to DVD is that its characterization as a "videophile format" (also "Dork Valued Disc" and "fans of 2001, wet your pants now! medium") has resulted in better quality transfers aimed at the collectors' market. As a recent article at The Digital Bits says regarding Redemption's releases, they are "leaps and bounds better than previous releases". Note to self: Uh, oh, I just cited a source. Do I have to use a spell checker now? Nah...

So it isn't nearly so much "Wow, I was blown away in my chair in a way strangely akin to that super cool guy with the sunglasses in the Maxell ad -- man, I wish I was cool like that guy", but more like "Great, a print that doesn't look like it's been soaked in Whiskey" (part of the original Cinemagic process, I think).

So what about sound? To be honest, I don't have much of an ear for nice aural effects or setting up my speakers in an exact configuration so I get that "feel like I'm there" presence (again, unless we're talking about multi-angle pornog -- ahem, excuse me). As long as I can hear what people are saying, I'm cool. Of course, better sound is nice -- the same argument about transfer quality applies to sound as well as video.

But there's another advantage DVD has in sound over videotape -- and that's subtitles and separate audio tracks. Take the release of the Italian horror flick Nude for Satan (which I recently reviewed) as an example -- not only was the film available in English with subtitles, but also in the undubbed Italian with English subtitles. Hate subtitles? Listen to some underpaid American actors do their best. Can't stand dubbing? Watch the film as it was intended and still be able to figure out why that girl is wearing a towel (see review)...

But excellent sound and video quality are barely scratching the surface. Let's look at some of the other reasons DVD is a great thing for bad movie fans:

Extras. Let's face it, we're dorks. We like bad movies a *lot*. And the scholar within the dork wants to know anything and everything about the film it just saw. Extras aren't only available for high quality movies -- trailers, tv spots, radio ads and more are standard fare on even cheap DVDs. Fancier discs (dressed up in their Sunday best) contain anything from entire separate commentary tracks (as in the release of Fulci's Zombie) to interactive quizzes and documentaries (part of the great Godzilla sets). Yes, they're unnecessary features -- that's why they're called extras -- but they're still nice to have.

Price. It's a holdover from the old Laserdisc days that people seem to think DVD's are much more expensive than regular videos. The truth is, DVDs rarely cost more than a couple dollars over the VHS price margin; in fact, they are often the same price or cheaper! With coupons and pre-order deals, DVDs can be an especially excellent value. Obviously, this assumes you've got a DVD player -- but player prices are very cheap these days. Low end models (which often have more features than you'd ever want) are routinely under $300. Value seekers should look for special deals with free DVDs included or try getting a Divx enhanced player -- which are going *very* cheap and have all the features of a regular DVD player.

Availability. This is a complicated issue for the licensed BM viewer. On the one hand, cheap VHS copies of disastrous flicks are copiously available from so many sources: yardsales, Blockbuster clearance sales, eBay auctions, etc. Clearly, with video's long history and widespread acceptance, it beats DVD in available titles hands down. Still, DVDs are being released all the time and the situation is gradually improving.

But there's another facet to it: DVD is good for bad movie availability at large. A lot of distributors seem to be using DVD almost as an excuse to re-release unpopular films they own the rights to -- and as we all know from Algebra II, this is related to the increasing function where crappiness/popularity = badness (note the special exemption where x="Titanic"). The strategy here is for the distributors looking to get attention for the movies themselves by offering a DVD release, where the films don't have nearly as many "good" movies to compete against when compared to standard video. A DVD enthusiast looking at the new releases list just might buy a film he/she wouldn't touch on video just because it's on DVD and available now.

Rent by Mail. Say your local Purple Potamus Video (yes, it exists) doesn't have that copy of Jess Franco's Vampyros Lesbos you've been hankering to see -- your two choices are to search around every video store in town, or to rent the movie by mail -- even (*gasp*) through the world wide web! The biggest problem with these services has been the inconvenience of waiting for your movie and the price associated with shipping it. Enter DVD rental services like NetFlix. Because of the small size and weight of DVDs, NetFlix can ship them to you in a small cardboard package -- with the return postage already paid on the small disk package you return. This drives down shipping costs to a level far more reasonable than any videotape by mail place. NetFlix offers rentals at a base price of $3.49 per DVD plus $.95 for each DVD and $.99 per order -- maybe not the kind of fee you'd want to pay for every rental, but well worth it when you're dying to see Vampyros Lesbos and don't want to pay to own it. Of course, you still need to wait 3 or 4 days to get your movies; but if you order by Monday or Tuesday you can spend the weekend with Vampyros Lesbos, Two Undercover Angels, and Kiss Me Monster. And don't even get me started on the possibilities regarding embarassment-less renting of multi-angle pornos. That counter girl won't get a chance to laugh at me again!

Permanence. Let's face the two hard facts of media ownership: every format is going to be obsolete eventually; and no matter how great your Special Edition/Director's Cut/4 Extra Seconds of Nudity/Limited Edition with Pogs Included copy of a film is, a better version is going to be released approximately two months after you buy yours. Viewed in this light, DVD is no better than VHS or any other format -- it may even be argued that in the second respect, DVD is much worse -- witness the frequent "Man, I can't believe technology has advanced and I have to buy another Apollo 13 DVD -- they said *this* was the finalest specialest coolest edition of all time -- what a gip!" comments leveled at the industry.

No, the real permanence DVD is in the stability of its digital media. This should be an especially important issue to bad movie collectors. How many of us have severely degraded videotapes, maybe purchased at rummage sales or traded between friends? Each time we watch, the wear and tear destroys a little more of the image quality. Which is not to mention the eventual degradation of video and sound quality over time as the tape loses its magnetic charge. And because we are (by definition) watching bad movies, sometimes new copies of these movies just aren't available (and probably won't be). This is where the stability of DVD comes into play: as long as the disc is relatively free of scratches, you should be able to keep it practically forever and view it in the same pristine condition as you originally did. Like used CDs, you can be assured that if there aren't scratches, you're getting a perfect duplicate no matter how many times it's been played. Of course you'll always be able to buy a brand new copy of Plan 9 From Outer Space on the latest media format, but for those rarities that get released once and never again, DVD can be a real time capsule format.

So in conclusion, I think you can see how DVD is a great thing for bad movies, but more importantly how wonderful it is for multi-angle porn. Because with multi-angle porn, YOU control the action.

Please direct all inquiries regarding multi-angle porn to Rob.

Until next time (watch for the videotape counterpoint to this article, coming soon!),

Alan