Attack of the Zombies!
 
The other day a friend of mine mentioned black actors in sci-fi films.  He'd heard a radio show on NPR where the host and a caller were discussing how black men always died very quickly in those films.  The only movie they could remember where a black man lived, said my friend, was Night of the Living Dead (the 1968 original). 
Advice from King of the Zombies 
Of course I quickly pointed out that this was incorrect -- as a matter of fact, although he survives the zombies, the black man is shot by a human patrol force because they mistakenly think he's a zombie.  At least, that is the ostensible reason -- I have heard that George Romero was forced to include this ending because it was made in a time where black men couldn't be such obvious heroes.  Either way, it's really a poignant moment.  When my friend didn't believe this at first (they seemed pretty sure of themselves, he said), I insisted it was true -- after all, I'm a real zombie movie fan, I said. 

This struck him and a couple other friends I was with as strange.  They didn't get it.  I tried to point out that although it was a narrow genre, perhaps, there were many others that people enjoyed.  Conan movies, I said.  Another friend said, "Sure, Conan movies.  Yeah I can enjoy them.  I see your point, but -- I guess it's just that it seems like all zombie movies are really low budget gore movies." 

I had to agree.  There are really very few high budget, wide-release zombie movies in existence.  Yet I think you'll find very few zombie movie fans who think the production values in these films have anything to do with the quality of the movies themselves.  The zombie genre is what it is, and fans accept and embrace this.  And zombie flicks in turn embrace the genre and its precepts. 
 

A History of the Zombies
The audience is given a set of rules.  Lots of horror movies have rules -- I'm not going to quote Scream here or anything.  But the rules for zombies are a whole lot simpler.  They eat human flesh and they'll keep going until you kill their brain.  They're walking automatons without emotion or feeling.  They are relentless.  You can't make deals with them.  You can't offer them your sister if they'll let you go.  You can't just call the police and wait for them to come catch the killer.  Hell, you can't even talk to the creatures!  It's like the whole human race is put in a corner where they have to fight or run or do both. 

So you have to fight.  And herein lies the thrill of the zombie movie.  Alright, so the dead coming back to life for no apparent reason sounds ludicrous -- but damn it, you just saw it happening right before your eyes and there's no way to deny it.  Deal with it.  People around you are getting axes and pipes and big ole fire sticks and hitting back.  The zombies are staggering toward you.  Time for action. 

This what the characters in the film face.  And we face it with them.  While they're scrambling around their house for implements of destruction, we're mentally silhouetting them.  Hmm.. let's see.  I've got a propane torch in the basement.  Fire's good, but the flame would be kind of weak.  How about sharp knives?  Yeah, a butcher knife would work pretty good I bet.  Still, a gun would be best.  Would a BB gun work?  Just how much damage do I have to do to the brain for the zombie to die?  Damn, I should have bought a shotgun! If I learned anything from Doom II it's that a shotgun is a very handy thing! 

 
This is, of course, just the sort of stuff the movie wants you to be feeling.  One of the best things about many horror films is that they let the audience put themselves in the same situation the characters are in.  If there's a slasher chasing a girl down the stairs, you yell "Hit him with something!  No no -- go back! Go back!" Zombie movies offer this facet and more.  The characters have to figure out not only 'what am I going to do now?' but also 'what am I going to do later?'. 

Think about it.  You kill the head vampire -- poof, everything's cool again.  You shoot the axe-wielding maniac -- poof, the horror has ended.  You kill 43 zombies -- well, what now?  You'd better figure out what to do quick or there are going to be 400 more coming for you. 
When Zombies Attack 
Where are you going to go?  Can you find a cure for this zombie disease or should you just run away?  Stick with your half-crazed companions or ditch them before they get you killed?  You're going to need supplies, transportation, and a way to stay alive.  And you're probably going to need them for the rest of your life. 

And this is a fundamental tenet of the zombie movie.  It's not Buffy the Vampire Slayer where some good looking high school girl is going to protect California from the occasional vampire plague.  If you kill every single zombie in New York City, the ones from Rochester are going to come visit sooner or later. The zombies are the apocalypse -- everything after is, well, post-apocalyptic.  You're going to have to learn to live in this new world or die trying. 

Yeah, zombie movies look real crappy.  Low budget, poor acting.. remember that zombie nurse?  I mean -- what the hell was that!  But look, if your AP English teacher can dismiss the interminable length of Dickens novels just by saying he got paid by the word, you can cut the zombie production values a little slack.  What "serious" movie-goers can just dismiss by rolling their eyes, zombie movies fans look deeper at.  The complexities of these films usually go far beyond just cheap special effects and gory death scenes.  And for those closet zombie fans, stop calling them guilty pleasures.  If it's a pleasure, then it's a pleasure, and that's it -- admit it already!  You can call them intellectual exercises if you want -- little "what if" scenarios. 

But we know that you're really imagining strapping a chainsaw to your amputated arm and kicking some zombie ass. 

'Til next time, 
Alan 

Alan Gallauresi is a syndicated columnist who's work has appeared here and on his own computer.  Look for his column, "Fo'get da bitch, she's no good for you" in next month's Bitchin', Super Bitchin', and Super Star Stupid Bitchin' Hot Rod Magazine.
 
 
 
 
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