If there has every been a category more loathsome than best song, I’ve never seen it, unless it’s some kind of carnival freak show pageant category I’ve never encountered (a long shot at best). If it’s not filled with Elton John songs or the latest Disney musical songs or the latest Elton John Disney musical songs, it’s certain to have a little bit of Barbra Streisand involved. The worst part of the whole category, though, is that they feel the need to perform all the numbers on stage, which sometimes leads to such atrocities as last years "That Thing You Do!" number which killed off both brain cells I had left after seeing the movie it came from. All I’m saying is that most of the time, this is a category we could all do without. 

That being said, this year provides by far a more loathsome assortment of Best Song nominees than I’ve seen since Survivor’s "Eye of the Tiger," the theme to Rocky 3 (which I don’t think was nominated but really should have been). [Ed.: no, it shouldn't] It’s important to realize that this section of the site will not deal with bad movies at all. That’s just fine because it’s dealing with some of the worst performers and songs ever made. Let the crap fly faster than in a monkey house with a randy gorilla: First there’s Michael Bolton’s touching "Go The Distance" from Disney’s Hercules, a movie which I’ve never seen. In fact, I’ve never even heard the song. If I had to guess, though, I’d say it was a slowish power ballad featuring the words "You’ve got to Go The Distance!" screamed over some background synth strings. Normally, I (and most of the taste-wielding public) would just ignore a Michael Bolton song, without giving it another look, and certainly without even listening to it. This year, though, I think he tried to pull something over the Academy’s eyes by cutting his trademark (and manly) main of flowing, ever-thinning hair. He figured the thousands of members who would have a tape generously donated to them by Disney would look at the cover and think "Say, who is this well-shorn, young go-getter who has recorded a delightful song for the latest Disney Happy Meal vehicle?" Then, quicker than a Baptist could boycott visitor’s to their house, they’d vote for him just because, well, who the hell else are they going to vote for? [Ed.: Don't the musical Judds have something to say about Ashley's taste here?] Despite the sheer crappiness of everything Michael Bolton has ever touched, I don’t think he deserves the award, though, because his ship’s going to crash into an iceberg known as Celine. And he shall sink faster than any ship ever could...

But first, let’s get the other nominees out of the way: "How Do I Live?" is some song from Con Air sung by Trisha Yearwood. Saw the movie, don’t remember the song. As someone who doesn’t really listen to country, I can’t say I really know any other Yearwood songs, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume hers are above the "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts of Life" level. [Ed.: Let's give her some credit for being good-looking, here] "Journey to the Past" is the song nominated from Anastasia, another movie I didn’t see. I’ve never heard the song, but as long as Meg Ryan didn’t sing it, it’s okay with me. Then there’s "Miss Misery" from Good Will Hunting. I don’t know who did this song, but to beat Celine Dion’s "My Hear Will Go On" in sheer horribility (yeah, that’s a word), it would have to be performed by Jesus. That’s right, the Son of God would have to come down to earth, start a garage band and the next day play Pink Floyd covers in a bar called "The Shady Pine Grove" to be worse. [Ed.: I think Jesus is actually free to do this, now that he's left the Spin Doctors] This is not to say that with some practice Jesus couldn’t lay down some pretty bitchin’ power chords, but I leave the particulars to the theologians and theists among us. 

Rob’s Pick: If Celine Dion doesn’t deserve to win the bad movie song award then I don’t deserve to exist on this or any other planet. 1000 monkeys typing on 1000 typewriters for, oh, say 20 minutes couldn’t write a crappier song. Hell, any song worse than this one would probably react with "My Heart Will Go On", reverse the polarities of both, release a flood of tachyon beams, and modulate the shield frequencies, thus killing anyone who ever attempted to listen to it. [Ed.: I think you're ignoring Geordi's ability to compensate for rapid fluctuations in the warp coil inducers] It’s just not possible. Celine Dion should probably get this award every year for the rest of her life, just to torture everyone who bought the Titanic album for their significant other on Valentine’s Day. Ha-ha! (And to think, I got through this whole thing without once making fun of her being FRENCH Canadian. Man, I’m just being too nice!)